When I discovered that I was three months pregnant, my first thought was, “Can I really handle the responsibility of raising a child without the father?” Having been raised in a single-parent home myself I knew how difficult it could be.
Both the birthfather and my mother encouraged me to have an abortion. They said things like, “How can you raise a child by yourself?” and “How can you afford it?” Ultimately, I had to come to the difficult conclusion that I wasn’t in a position to become a parent. I wasn’t married, I didn’t have a steady job, the father had no interest in parenting and, at the time, I was living at home with my mother.
I wasn’t sure how to find adoptive parents so I started to investigate adoption agencies in California. The agency that impressed me the most was Adoption Connection. The counselor was always available to answer all my questions and was very supportive. She showed me letters written by waiting adoptive parents.
I selected a couple that was the most interesting to me. We talked on the phone and met at a restaurant close to my house. They wanted to know about me, and I showed them pictures of my family.
Once I stepped into my house after dinner my heart raced. I knew this would be a very difficult decision. How I yearned to have children of my own. I held my tummy to feel my child moving around. My cat came into my room to grieve with me. He knew what I was going through. Funny how cats sense human emotions!
On the evening of April 20, my new fiancée, Roger, and I quickly drove to the hospital. As my labor progressed, he called the adoptive family so they could be there. My labor coach was there, too. She gave me comfort and helped me to relax as much as possible and soon my son was born!
About a week after my birth I made the decision to sign the final legal adoption papers. I felt a bit of relief and, of course, sadness.
The adoptive parents agreed to send photos and letters regularly and I think about him often. They are open to me visiting but right now I’m not ready for that. As a birthmother it’s been hard to let go of something that is a part of me. My grieving was more difficult than I expected, but it allowed me some time to recuperate and begin to get on with my life. My fiance has been very supportive of my decision. We would like to have a family someday when we are ready.
